Doctor, doctor...

This piece was written when I was having one of my post-traumatic episodes and my mind was flooded with fear and anxiety. This is the side of medicine that most of you do not see and what makes or breaks a person.
I dedicate this piece to all those in the medical profession who have lost their lives and soul in the line of battle to save someone else's life.
For National Doctor's Day tomorrow and Mental Health Awareness Month

Mr. ABC is a 45 year old gentleman with underlying co-morbids.
Admitted for a coronary related disease
because of his non-compliance to his diet of reduced lipids.
Erm... Yes... No... I mean I don't know… But… Because...
What? The... I… So…
So... So What?!
Only 10cc! How is that enough?! Take 20cc can’t get, poke the ARTERY!
Why so slow? What's wrong with you? That also you don't know?
Comments and shouts smack repeated to the back of my head.
Smack... smack... smack... smack... smack... smack...
Till I unnaturally flinch even though someone tries to pat me on the back.
I know I have lack, but would it kill you to have a little tact.

Patient crashing. BP unrecordable. Push crash cart. Close the blinds. Call family. Commence CPR. Prepare to intubate.
Eh call your friends. This patient is not gonna make it, at least let you all practice...

Ah-ilah... tak habis rounds lagi?!
My patient just passed.
I was sorting out the documents and consoled the 12 year old granddaughter.
My other patients were stable. I thought...
So what? I'm suppose to wait for you to take your own sweet time to do rounds is it?

When was ‘empathy’ deleted from a doctor’s vocabulary?

If I don't get my latte, I will make your life difficult.
This department has extended me to its full duration,
I am waiting to transfer and start over.
I have endured 10 months of this nonsense,
What else can you do to me?
What I should have said was:
You may be one step away from being a specialist but
the only thing 'special' about you is that
you are an arrogant, manipulative, bribe taking vegan tyrant.
Why should I advocate you?

In between the blood covered hands,
lab coat soaked in vomit,
urine covered sheets,
shining dress shoes,
ass kissing and the grand refusal to buy
a venti Starbucks green tea latte,
I lost my soul.
What was the point of going home when you own father
doesn't listen to you but scolds,
he yells, “You just do as you are told.”

Tidur... nyenyak dan lena…
tidak pernah agaknya
sejak mulanya kerja ini.
Terbangun setiap jam oleh mimpi-mimpi
yang semuanya ngeri.
Pesakit menjerit-jerit,
terseksa sampai mati,
darah menitis dari dahi sampai kaki.
Tidur memang tidaknya wujud.

Jut would be what I would use
to escape from this dream of a nurturing profession
that turned into a hell hole of nightmare.
The rope where my father would see me
hanging from the ceiling fan.
That would make him realise
that my health is more important
than fulfilling his plan.

I sacrificed my physical health,
countless missed meals,
l shaved seven kilos off
my waistline in two months.
No… no… no… no… no…
No time, not hungry, too tired, too much work.
Tell me how can I work smart
instead of hard when
my patient's fate is in my hands.

My emotional health,
I was given medication
for my depression
so that I can function.
But how am I to function
when I am under constant sedation
and influenced by hallucinations.

My mental health,
I could not think with clarity,
My judgement impaired,
my sanity was compromised
and lapses in my memory.
I chose to save myself
and sacrifice no more,
I turned away from a profession
that has lost its nobility
in order to regain my humanity.

Rehabilitate my brokenness
and find happiness.
To be of better use elsewhere
than suffering at a dead end there.

To those who have shown me hope,
kindness, guidance and grace:
thank you for helping me along this race.

Those are the rare gems that still have their empathy,
They are the ones who still serve whole-heartedly.
To you who have never seen this side of medicine,
For those who have fussed at the hospitals where you have been,
I hope you see this:
that we are human!

We are people
we do all that we are able
to keep your loved ones stable.

I am not proud to stand in front of this crowd as a failure
But as a person who has now moved,
Moved forward and onward, instead of backward
A person who can hope, care and love with compassion and emotion.

No one is naturally talented
but it is our nature
to search for talented people,
Talent needs to be discovered and cultivated.

We have to identify it and grow it,
No one is a stand-alone
and alone you shall not stand,
You do not need someone to hold your hand
But someone to help you build your plan.

- Swit Marie

18:20H 4th April 2017
Astro HQ

Swit Marie is a 'Jacqueline of all trades' who loves wearing plaid
who thinks in rhyme all the time
A believer in making dreams come true, s
he would love to collaborate with you
An explorer starting fresh and would only give her best
She stands in the gap and will only call it quits when it's a wrap.


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