The Muruku Murmurations

My godfather & I were very close when I was growing up. Diagnosed with lung cancer, he fought it for a good ten years, before succumbing to pneumonia in 2009. There's so much of me that is actually much of him, and I miss him every day. So this is to you Dee, whom I will never stop missing or writing for.   By the powers that be, I would freeze the sun & drain the sea, Just so you could be in front of me, For me to say "Hey, Dee." So many years since you didn't stay, But when I think about you it always feels like just yesterday, So many things you had yet to say, I always feel like you were taken away. Secretly I still don't know what I'm doing, Life without you has been turbulent and harrowing, There is no depth to the sorrow I will always be feeling, Although over time there has been some minimal healing. You would not be proud I do not think, Of how I have pushed myself to the brink, Trying always to hold on and not sink, By th...

This one was too easy. It is for my dysfunctional (sort of) best friend who lives in the land down under (and refuses to come back, useless fler), who for the longest time was the person to drive me around and who spent most of his youth and mine just being annoying. Yet somehow our friendship still worked.   Soup dumplings, Pasta nights, Movies with salted popcorn, And karaoke. Navigating, Your driving, While rushing, And tapaoing. Full dress rehearsals, That you forget to tell me about, And planning your schedule, Because me you could not go without. It was a different world then, Almost a different life, Jalan Ipoh seemed quite far away, So many turns and traffic lights. Between the jesty insults & eye rolling exchanges, We actually formed a pretty good team, So a contract we signed for a short stint of time, Though our friendship runs beyond clauses and dreams. We barely speak or even meet for tea, It is impossible given the circumstances t...

Some weeks it is a challenge to just think about a person to write to, but this was unfortunately way too easy. It took me some weeks to consolidate that yes indeed, this person was the person I missed the most, so here it is. I have tried to put this off & not write this, I have even denied that it is you I miss, But at this hour 50 minutes into two, I disgruntledly admit the person I miss the most is you. It is amazing how much a heart can ache, And how many hours a person can stay awake, Replaying in one's mind all the minor details, Riding on a soul train that desperately needs to derail. I miss your smile that lights up your eyes, And the way your body convulses when you chuckle, I miss how when I'm with you time flies, And how we never get into a scuffle. I miss your stupid colon closing bracket emoji, That sometimes supercedes my name when you text, I miss the unsuspecting jokes that were usually weak, But still earned a small smile escaping from the corner near m...

A common question people like to ask is "what would you say to yourself if you could go back in time". Well, I suppose this is what I would say to that 6-year old who was stepping into SK Assunta (1) for the first time. Hey Tengku Amirah, this is for you.  Dear little girl,  With the pigtails and braids,  The crisp pinafore,  And those bleached white shoes.  The one playing Pepsi Cola in the canteen,  And eating fried wantan by the plastic bags,  The same one who goes up to the office,  When her mother isn't there at exactly one fifteen. Steady on little girl,  There is a long road ahead,  Harder games with higher stakes,  All in an attempt to make a bigger name. You will not understand now,  Why the covered girls won't talk to you,  Why your Cantonese is not good enough for the Mandarin speaking girls, And why people look at you funny when you speak English.  Their paren...

It is funny that sometimes the people you grew up with are barely recognizable as teenagers or adults. You drift apart and pick up different lifestyles or life principles, and you are no longer as close as you were. Innocence is sometimes the glue that keeps friendships together, and as you lose that, you lose the friendship too.  You & I, Were two peas in a pod. The misfits of religious classes through the years, We didn't care that we were odd. You & I, Were two in many trios, Of friends that changed schools & classes, But they couldn't interrupt our flow. Suddenly you, Decided you were too good for me, With your large inheritance & fancy new things, Rising up to be alleged Queen Bee. You, Were too upscale now for mamaks, No air-conditioning and greasy food, You only want to hang at Starbucks. I, Tried to keep up for a while, Thinking our friendship was worth the fight, But the way you lived was not my lifestyle. Suddenly I, Got ki...

Sometimes life throws you so many curveballs and pelts you with difficulties, you subconsciously build up walls to protect yourself from everything that is out there, including sometimes, the really good stuff.  I wish you could love freely, Without worrying about currency, And whether you are too much or not enough, And just love. I wish you could see beauty, In the eyes of the couple on the dance floor, As he literally sweeps her off her feet, To the beat. I wish you did not groan, Every time you hear those stupid love songs, Melodies you were once guilty of singing out loud, And so proud. I wish you could be gentle, When people approach you with caution, You dismiss them quickly & say they won't understand the parts, Of your heart. I wish above all that you were you, But just a little bit more graceful and subdued, So that people would have a chance to see, The inner me. - SB 11.25pm, 11th April 2016 Ghetto HQ

I was having trouble finding a person to write this letter to, until day before yesterday when the case of a transgender event getting disrupted by religious authorities. I realized that despite all my efforts & relationships with my trans-mothers and trans-sisters, I still am not doing enough. And for that, I should apologize, as should the many people who have stood by and watched them get stigmatized & discriminated against.  For the long silence, And the little noise that followed. For the quiet side eye, Before the close contact. For not understanding, Before the heart’s true bleeding. For the lack of education, In this conservative nation. For the many arrests, Putting many more to test. For all this, And the very little I have done, I am sorry. - SB 4.22pm, 5th April 2016 Sani Hotel 

Sometimes the cobwebs in our minds are woven by the most undeserving people. This is to one of my cobwebs. You do not deserve any more of my words, And yet here I am writing yet another verse about you. You do not deserve to occupy any space in my brain, Yet some days the cerebrum can't help but stir you up. You do not deserve to live in songs I so love, Yet as I belt them out I see your face belting them too. You do not deserve the friends we share, Yet when you take them for granted there I am consolidating. There are many things you so do not deserve that you do not see, Amongst them is this very small hold you have on me. - SB 4.11pm, 29th March 2016 Ghetto HQ

The most painful thing is when your pain is dismissed by the person who is causing it. More often than not, this is the case though. I wrote this at the pinnacle of a heartbreak, when the person who was breaking my heart wasn't bothered at all. May none of you ever have to live through such a thing, but even if you do - just know you will survive. Wait. He said it like it was so easy. "This isn't all about you. What's the rush? Why can't you just wait?" I was quiet. I didn't know how explain to him that every minute I was conscious reminded me that he was out there, existing, laughing, feeling, without me. I didn't know how to describe how I felt pieces of my heart breaking. Slowly. Painfully. Breaking off from the whole entity, and falling off. Small chips of them, scattered and rattling around my rib cage as I sobbed. How do I tell him it has been two weeks of agony. Two weeks of pushing on, smiling at people, telling them I would be alri...

You expect relatives to be around forever, and then they leave & suddenly it's like a bomb went off in your universe. No boy or man could ever hurt you this way, and months later you're still trying to pick up & move on.  I never saw it coming, I never would have guessed, But so stand the fact, That one day you just up & left. You were there my whole life, I didn’t even know it was possible, You were family & that is supposed to forever, And yet out the door you just went. At first I was shocked, I didn’t know what to do, But it wasn’t about me, It was about cleaning up after you. You thought the relationship was between two people, But how was that possible when you’re in every damn family photo, You’re in all the Carpenter songs I know the words to, And in my favourite TV show. I’d love to say I hate you, But I really don’t, I want to say “how could you”, But I already know. So I hope you’re happy, And I hope it was worth it, Beca...

I couldn't pick a specific woman to write to, there have been too many who have inspired me with their stories & actions. Some I've known personally, some from history, some I've only seen on TV. But they've all been important, and they've all been relevant. So here is to them, to all the women.  To the women who have passed, Who paved the way for miniskirts, votes, and short hair, For girls in university lecture halls & for pregnant women in the workplace, I thank you. To the women no longer here, Who washed linens, cooked lunches and mothered, Who scolded and beat their children then wiped away their tears, I thank you. To the women who were assaulted, By uncles, cousin brothers & strangers, And then were told it was their fault, I am sorry. To the women who were defeated, By patriarchy in the form of culture or religion, Interpreted by men whose minds were too small, I am sorry. To the women who were glammed up, With makeup ...

To someone I am gladly wrong about, who is such a force of graceful nature I couldn't be prouder to call her my friend & join my name with hers. To the Vanessa in the #shenessa.  You are the girl I first heard about, He'd always enthusiastically talk about you, It raised a lot of my self doubt, Especially when he told me about the cool things you do. He was excited for us to meet but I worried all the same, I am not the biggest girls gal there is to find, Other than what he told me I only knew your name, He said we'd get along because you were also slightly out of your mind. Came the day we stumbled upon each other & the first thing you did was give me a huge embrace, Any heart of stone would melt seeing your incredibly friendly face, We immediately bonded over Lang and geeked out over her upcoming book. Those two hours together was all it took. Fast forward to when the boy decided I was no longer for him, And while he had left me feeling pretty gr...

#TheGhettoSiblings used to be really close. I forgot how close until Facebook's On This Day flashbacks kept showing me all these wall posts my brother Rosal used to post on my wall. Between his auditing job & my production managing, we barely spend time with each other let alone speak, but whenever we do meet, it's great & I'll always love him for getting me through so many things in the past 6 years. So here's another letter to the best Abang ever.  I’ve recently seen how often we used to speak, You and me, How time was relative and I was so meek, How we used to be. I read old wall posts, When you first became my brother, How you’d ask me why I was sad, And how I was never a bother. It feels like a different lifetime, We were so closely knit, There were no large obligations, And no small fits. Now your Facebook presence is scarce, And my phone no longer rings that specific tone, Our relationship now compared to then is such a farce, We mig...

Sometimes it isn't about giving a person a second chance, but about giving the relationship one. It is not you. You're absolutely fine, You don't need this, And frankly you're better off. It is not me. I am too much all the time, Too gritty & way out there, And better off alone. But you know what deserves a second chance? Us. We deserve a chance to see it through, Do the things we said we were going to do. Make those trips & seal those vows, Save up money & build a home out of a house. We deserve to try it without everyone's opinion in mind, Even if they meant well or were trying to be kind. We deserve a shot, just the two of us, No outside factors causing a fuss. We deserve to forgive & to let love heal all wounds, To woo each other again & make each other swoon. We deserve to reinforce our faith & maybe with a little luck, We'll keep moving forward together as opposed to be individually stuck. So my love ...

Sometimes you wonder what a person was like before you met them. Stories that they tell you don't do them justice. Sometimes, you just have to had been there to truly understand.  I want to meet the you before all the scars, The one before you walked this road so far, I wanna meet you before you became all jaded & blue, Back to a time when your heart was pure & true. I want to see that person within in the flesh, One without all the irritation & without all the stress, The one who believed that out there could be love, Transport me back as a shadow or a dove. Maybe if I did then I could understand, How you came to be this kind of man, The experience might give me closure - who knows what it could do, But it would be so nice to see the less guarded side of you. If life was that easy it'd be such a ball, Unfortunately it's not like that at all, I could only meet you when it was time for me to do so, Really wish you didn't rip apart my hear...

We've only ever met once or twice on campus, but our friendship proves that bonds can be forged over the internet. I write this now late & with a fever, Dedicated to my favourite internet friend although I never see her, It is amazing how close you can get over talks on Messenger, For her happiness I will always be an Avenger. I don't know why some people cannot see, Just what a stellar human being she can be, She's super funny, extra quirky & rocks some pretty cool boots, And she looks good even on a commute. She deserves to date an actual Disney character, And suck face with people who will write her love letters, Her quest for lady love I always condone, And I always pray for the Universe to throw her a bone. So here's to you - one so far away, I hope reading this would have made your day, Despite never seeing you I love you big Steffie, You can always count on Messenger rants with me. - SB 12.10am, 12th January 2016 Ghetto HQ

I've been blessed enough to have so many good memories to call favourites, I couldn't possibly choose just one. Here's to each & every one of you who have coloured my life in your very own unique shade.  To all the people throughout time, Friends and family who are all mine, So many memories you’ve given me, One favourite one there couldn’t possibly be. I think fondly of birthday parties throughout the years, The ones my mother threw & ensured I’d never be in tears, To surprises that friends got together to plan, Together we all made a very merry band. I think of all of the New Year’s Eves that have passed, Of fireworks and barbeques and boys with their cigarette tars, Of road trips planned at the last minute & drives in the dead of night, But because we were together there was no sense of fright. I think of quiet days spent with the people who cared, Of experiences so simple with these people I shared, Then there are big m...

Sometimes you just have to accept that the ship has sailed & it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes, you're just too late. Also, if you're not going to fight for it, your feelings don't really count. This is to the first girlfriend I ever had, who probably never really deserved me anyway.  Stop, stay where you are. You & I, we were never meant to go far. I waited for you for three years & I prayed, That you would make up your mind, but you never stayed. My heart was like an egg in a spoon, You kept dropping it & picking it up making me feel like a loon, With your indecisiveness & need to people please, You were to me a cruel & thoughtless tease. You hurt me repeatedly & then played dumb, My disappointment for you made me incredibly numb, Then you dare come back now & tell me I'm the one, That everyone else was just for some fun. You say that you love me to my face, And in the same breath tell me you have a boyfriend in a ...

Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes you can't do anything but stand by and watch.  I hate that this has happened & frankly I can’t tell you why, Or how she could have just packed up and said goodbye, There is little I can do to help you sleep at night, I know you’re too broken to put up any kind of fight. I wish words could fix this & that time will heal the pain, I watch as day by day you grow into a person full of disdain, I know that there is no amount of good food, That would put you in a better mood. Compared to yours, my heartache is small, I still have time to build up some walls, But I know you feel it is all too late, This pain seemingly seals your fate. But please I implore just open your eyes and see, How vibrant and new your life could be, I beg you please get up and take a step, You don’t need a guide or a road map. All you need is some courage and new perspective, A new lifestyle will be effective, In cu...

Sometimes people you know become strangers, and you have to get to know them all over again.  "You seem familiar." If I look very carefully, in your eyes I can see that same person who used to smile at me, eyes creased with laughter from my terrible jokes, and from smirking at me all too much. "Have we met?" In those places where we used to go, hand in hand we thought we'd take on the world. We'd enshrine our first meeting place forever in our hearts & revisit the place where it all began & started. "Was it through...?" In the company we once shared, the friends who love us both yet separately as we stopped loving each other. United it was easy but now in this divide they partition their love & try to strike a balance. "I think I saw you on..." There's no hiding from social media, and the walls you once posted on, papering with promises & words oh so funny and sweet are now papered with my words of caut...