From SB: To The Person You Hate The Most/Caused You A Lot Of Pain

The most painful thing is when your pain is dismissed by the person who is causing it. More often than not, this is the case though. I wrote this at the pinnacle of a heartbreak, when the person who was breaking my heart wasn't bothered at all. May none of you ever have to live through such a thing, but even if you do - just know you will survive.

Wait.
He said it like it was so easy.
"This isn't all about you. What's the rush? Why can't you just wait?"

I was quiet.

I didn't know how explain to him that every minute I was conscious reminded me that he was out there, existing, laughing, feeling, without me.

I didn't know how to describe how I felt pieces of my heart breaking. Slowly. Painfully. Breaking off from the whole entity, and falling off. Small chips of them, scattered and rattling around my rib cage as I sobbed.

How do I tell him it has been two weeks of agony. Two weeks of pushing on, smiling at people, telling them I would be alright but not really believing it. How do I articulate that sinking feeling of trying to be productive but having your body scream NO FOOL YOU ARE IN PIECES JUST WAIT A MINUTE STOP.

How.

How do I tell him that I can't sleep well because I can't sleep at all despite my best efforts. How do I explain all of this, to a man who thinks waiting on a person to decide if you are worth their love in your life is easy. How.

How do I explain to him this feeling of being left behind. Of feeling like he is looking back at me, and waving. Tricking me into believing he would come back for me while all the while just walking further and further away. And then being told I am self-centered for wanting some sort of certainty.

There are no words for all of the above. None.

So I sit. I cry. I feel my heart fall into pieces, smaller and smaller each time. There is no one to cry into. Nobody's here. There's nothing to be done.

But wait.

- SB
11:44pm, 25th Sept 2015
Inside Stripey the White Saga



 SB is a conflicted soul of sorts, who is mad enough to go chase after what she really loves as opposed to conform to society and her mother's idea of a successful person. She prays she makes it in life, because she will not be able to tolerate the nagging that would follow if she doesn't. Her inspiration comes from everything around her, as well as made up situations in her head. Good luck distinguishing between the two. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Swinging From Memory To Memory

Of recent adventures and endeavours I realised how much I liked to swing . This is how I wing it at swing. Hope this is as much fun reading as it was writing. When I was young, as memory recalls, My mum would take us out to play, We sometimes 'hang gai-gai' at nearby malls, Or go to McDonald's to eat during the day. On the weekdays when we would get the chance, To get some fresh air at the playground, Every kid would have one thing in their glance, We would race for the swings or run around. As I grew older I had a few favourite animations, One was from Jane Goodall's favourite book that became many adaptations, Tarzan swinging from vine to vine was all it took, For us nature lovers to love apes and get hooked. And then came along the 'All American Rejects' Swing, swing, swing from the tangles of my heart, Listening to that song had relieving effects, Cause any rejected crush made me fall apart. I remember there were days that w
Read more

This Is Malaysia

Recently Swit Marie has gotten more active on the HitRECord platform and started working on new material and collaborations. This was definitely the highlight of 2020 for her years of writing in the past few years. Reaching an international audience and being part of a community of creatives through this project involving over 180 contributors. The piece that was submitted for the This Is Malaysia video by HitRECord was derived from Dragon Tail . This Is Malaysia  final script remixed by Matt Conley from 8 contributors. This I s Malaysia video. The morning sun greets the mist of the hills, Joy seeps into my lungs as the morning dew kisses my cheeks, Peppercorn scents sing melodies of what the day could be. Waking up to the clouds embracing the mountain ranges This is where my heart belongs My fingertips touch the sparkle in the air made by the sun rays that love the mist My shoulders rise with the lightness of the sunrise. A symphony of swallows sifting through the clouds, Murmuratio
Read more

2020

I  wrote this on the flight travelling back to Malaysia in 2020, leaving Australia after what would have been the last time I see the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was observing the people around me, it was an 8 hour flight with a lot of turbulence, who would have know that 2020 would be that kind of year as well. It is funny how things tell you of what will come in its own little ways. Looking around absorbing the sensations to accommodate my body to my surroundings, Infusing my skin with lavender and chamomile to soothe the tension in my muscular fibres.   On my left, a rubik cube frantically trying to solve itself It is but a process of working out possible solutions and running through know standard operational patterns Constant rotations occur and in mere minutes the puzzle is solved.   On my right, two European centurians ecstatic to journey to a new land Partners in life and adventurers ready for new horizons just above the equator They see spirits an
Read more