From JN: To The Person You Hate The Most/Caused You A Lot Of Pain

Also known as 10 Things I Hate About You. 

I hate that you walked away without a second glance,
Like I didn't deserve a chance,
You just decided to take flight,
Like I wasn't even worth the fight.

I hate that you made me believe we could have worked through it all,
You made me believe enough to break down my walls,
And just as I broke free from my insecurities,
You pulled the rug from under me.

I showed you the most vulnerable side of me
The side of me that no one has ever seen,
When I broke down in your arms that one night,
I hate that you held me and said, "I'm here and I'm going to hold you tight."

I hate that I sometimes check my phone,
Hoping your name would light up the screen with an I miss you,
And you'd tell me that without me, you feel so alone,
Maybe you'd tell me what a big mistake you made too.

I hate that you made me crave for you,
And made me long to say "I do,"
Even though I was scared out of my mind,
Because I was falling in love for the first time.

I hate that your crazy matched my crazy,
And that we were perfect as perfect can be,
We were like two peas in a pod,
But that didn't mean we weren't flawed.

I hate that I have to pretend I understand why we're through,
And pretend that I'm happy you found someone who completes you,
Because you said that about me,
How messed up can that be?

I hate that you made up excuses for leaving,
Despite knowing what you were getting into from the very beginning,
That's the part I don't understand,
How you can just change your mind without a backward glance.

I hate that I'm stuck with the if only I did things differently,
If only I had showed you how much you meant to me,
If only I didn't give in to my insecurities,
If only I had been a different human being.

Most of all, I hate that I don't hate you, not one bit,
And that's what makes me sick,
Because I don't know how to hate you,
Even after what you put me through.


     - JN
10.00am, 22/3/2016 (Tuesday)
Home, Kelana Jaya

JN is the one who doesn't take chances, but she's working on that. She's powering through life, one day at a time. Even with all that life throws her, you'll always see her with a smile. She's a hopeless romantic, hopeless beyond repair. You may say she's a dreamer, but she's got her feet on the ground.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2020

I  wrote this on the flight travelling back to Malaysia in 2020, leaving Australia after what would have been the last time I see the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was observing the people around me, it was an 8 hour flight with a lot of turbulence, who would have know that 2020 would be that kind of year as well. It is funny how things tell you of what will come in its own little ways. Looking around absorbing the sensations to accommodate my body to my surroundings, Infusing my skin with lavender and chamomile to soothe the tension in my muscular fibres.   On my left, a rubik cube frantically trying to solve itself It is but a process of working out possible solutions and running through know standard operational patterns Constant rotations occur and in mere minutes the puzzle is solved.   On my right, two European centurians ecstatic to journey to a new land Partners in life and adventurers ready for new horizons just above the equator They see spirits an
Read more

Swinging From Memory To Memory

Of recent adventures and endeavours I realised how much I liked to swing . This is how I wing it at swing. Hope this is as much fun reading as it was writing. When I was young, as memory recalls, My mum would take us out to play, We sometimes 'hang gai-gai' at nearby malls, Or go to McDonald's to eat during the day. On the weekdays when we would get the chance, To get some fresh air at the playground, Every kid would have one thing in their glance, We would race for the swings or run around. As I grew older I had a few favourite animations, One was from Jane Goodall's favourite book that became many adaptations, Tarzan swinging from vine to vine was all it took, For us nature lovers to love apes and get hooked. And then came along the 'All American Rejects' Swing, swing, swing from the tangles of my heart, Listening to that song had relieving effects, Cause any rejected crush made me fall apart. I remember there were days that w
Read more

This Is Malaysia

Recently Swit Marie has gotten more active on the HitRECord platform and started working on new material and collaborations. This was definitely the highlight of 2020 for her years of writing in the past few years. Reaching an international audience and being part of a community of creatives through this project involving over 180 contributors. The piece that was submitted for the This Is Malaysia video by HitRECord was derived from Dragon Tail . This Is Malaysia  final script remixed by Matt Conley from 8 contributors. This I s Malaysia video. The morning sun greets the mist of the hills, Joy seeps into my lungs as the morning dew kisses my cheeks, Peppercorn scents sing melodies of what the day could be. Waking up to the clouds embracing the mountain ranges This is where my heart belongs My fingertips touch the sparkle in the air made by the sun rays that love the mist My shoulders rise with the lightness of the sunrise. A symphony of swallows sifting through the clouds, Murmuratio
Read more