One More Time
I really hate goodbyes in every context of it, never good at it and it feels like an unfulfilled driveby. Part of processing is accepting, allowing myself to feel which I couldn't do because I didn't want to face the realities of things and it was too dark to sit in my mind-pit. I let my thoughts run and tried not to self-censor when I wrote this.
Tonight thunders with no sight of lightning
Laying on the floor curled up in fetal form
Skin grazing the chaffing carpet with every breath
Fingers grasping empty air pockets
Coddling a creeping sense of abandonment
Weightlessness grows heavy
Sinking into a hard cement floor
Knees tucking closer to the heart
Coldness circulates the body from the inside out.
Dear diary,
I am not good with goodbyes.
Last words you heard were:
"Is this vein sufficient for your entry and what is this cocktail?"
Absent in anaesthesia
Eyes blindfolded by white noise
Everything was quietly ringing in the background.
Swiftly, the doors open
He escapes the rushing usher for a fragment of a moment
He whispers to my heart,
"I understand and you don't need to see me go."
He left quietly
Knowing he won't see the light of day
Without struggle, without pride, without pain
The doors slammed shut behind him.
7 weeks to 7 days of unsettling paralysis
Unable to move any lingering thoughts
Intention to awake from this sedation
in a fallible state persisting in limbo
Lucid motivations backed up by leaking faucets of weakness
Clotted pipes creak with every attempt to move
Fingertips feel like they've been soaked in numbing cream.
Lost for words
My silence in a settlement
Prior, present and post
Unjustifiable letters that will not be written
No suicide note left behind
No will prepared for the future
Hope cannot be uttered out of respect
Best wishes sent out to no receiver
I did not permit myself to deliver this parcel.
I question the meaning of life
To which my stance feels like bare feet constantly slipping on ice
The only way to stand is to cut it with blades
Allow slits to be made
Shredded shards chipped away with every step
Losing segments in every raise
Melting memories as I choose to survive
We see the trails but don't look back at the damage left behind
Focus on moving forward and taking the next stride because I have gained momentum.
The air is cold, body is clammy and heart is empty
Moral injury brings no rest to the soul
Mind finds itself wandering through hallow straw tubes
Tunnel vision that is out of focus
Spirit cleansed by steel separating soul ties
The unbreakable bond of human connection
Severed by rationale and practicality
No footing in the soils ploughed by rationality
Mudslides between each toe leaving residue layered with remnants of history
Rain washes away the dried crusts but not
the stains of iron rust
Rudimentary reminders that imprints in the earth carry lasting consequences
Footprints trail a destination as well as an origin
Every step is an intended choice made with deliberation
Accounted weight and premeditated direction.
Empathy has moved out to a different state
From relating transitioning to foreign
A language that speaks the same but is heard differently
An unspoken word replaced by actions sends messages far clearer like a signal flare
Consequential alarms ring in the ears of the availed.
Falling in a safety net, still falling and falling.
- Swit Marie
16:14H 30th September 2020
Sceni Co-working and Events
When words fail, she allows movement and emotion to carry her through
A believer in making dreams come true, she would love to collaborate with you
An explorer starting fresh and would only give her best
She stands in the gap and will only call it quits when it's a wrap.
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