Father's Day

I was having a mental dip that week and had trouble looking in the mirror. I kept seeing the scars left by my past and the face of my father. I had trouble processing my thought and wanted to write a letter to my father but it turned into a poem.

 

Papa.

 

I have never called him that.

I learned to call him 'Daddy'

from when I could understand the context of it

I called him that and always will

I learned the word 'father'

A male parent who is the breadwinner

Who puts food on the table

The family's leader.

 

I wondered why different people called their fathers differently

Appa, Bapa, Ayah, Papa, Oтец, Dad, Father

I learned that father is a noun

Daddy is a proper noun,

A name by which a familiar child can call a familiar father

An endearment used at home where it was safe and comforting.

 

Later on I came to understand more context

A father is a strong figure, a masculine influence, an example of adulthood

Some grew up never knowing their fathers

Some grew up losing their fathers

Some grew up loving their fathers

Some grew up being hurt by their fathers.

 

He is strong and masculine, a responsible adult who provided and had the final say in all circumstances.

 

As a baby, he held me in his arms and smiled.

 

As a child, he would tell us stories of a bicycle adventure every week.

*hums tune*

 

As a kid, he brought us down the Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, showed us his favourite stars and let us listen to his vinyl collection.

 

As a young girl, he said no when I asked him if I could let my hair grow because everyone said I looked like a boy.

 

As a girl, he would yell at us

Saying that he never wanted children,

That if he was a heartless adult,

He would leave us starving on the streets but he didn't because he was responsible.

 

As a teen, he would tell me to stop wasting my time doing stupid things like acting, art and extra-curriculars.

 

As a youth, he held me once before I left to be in a foreign country.

 

As an older youth, he had a beer with me and for the first time, I had a conversation with him.

 

As a young adult, he said that I was stupid for caring, I did not do my job smartly, that I needed to stop doing this to myself when I had a panic attack.

 

As an adult, he said,

"Girl, as long as you do what makes you happy, daddy will understand and be okay."

 

Someone brought me to a realisation that there is a difference between fear and respect

I understood that I feared my father for most of the years I have been alive

I respected him as a father for the later years of this life

I accepted that for an extended period,

I did not have my Daddy,

But I always had a father.

 

I grew to be strong and independent because I could never find that safety and comfort in my own home.

 

I pushed for excellence and strived for accomplishments because I knew that I never had his acceptance.

 

I am opinionated, unorthodox and involved because I was silenced in his presence.

 

I am aggressive, intuitive, passionate, rational and stubborn, just like him and it has brought me to be who I am today.

 

I will still always call him Daddy because I understand that he still raised me as best he could the only way he knew how, with tough love.

 

I am still my father's daughter.

 

- Swit Marie

2059H 8th July 2019

TMM HQ

Swit Marie is a 'Jacqueline of all trades' who loves wearing plaid
When words fail, she allows movement and emotion to carry her through
A believer in making dreams come true, she would love to collaborate with you
An explorer starting fresh and would only give her best
She stands in the gap and will only call it quits when it's a wrap.