To Settle?

For a long time, I wondered: Am I settling? Is this all?
A friend once said," If you are still looking, you know you have not found the one."
I don't feel the urge to settle down yet lest with a person I can't see myself wake up next to every morning. It is time that I settle this.

Is it right that I have to settle?
For just what this is and that is all,
That every day and week is a constant battle,
To not be aggravated by your words or calls.

I may be a strong young woman,
Just because of that,
Because I put up a front of 'yes I can'
You do not show the need to protect.

You do not go before me in unfamiliar territory,
Neither do you keep up with my fast pace,
You do not bother about my past and present history,
Nor do you see that missed opportunities are a waste.

To be away from the chaos that surrounds,
I built up walls to find peace and solitude,
It is my safe place and calming grounds,
Also my block to contain my anger during a feud.

Those who are truly close need not see me with their eyes,
From my words, my voice and my tone,
Just like that they knew of my demise,
They would know I shouldn't be left alone.

All you had to say was to not get worked up,
That I need to take control,
That I should learn to ease up,
You fail to see that it is a mental issue that I have to hold.

To you, in all that is obvious,
I could spell, read and tell you out loud,
You would still be oblivious,
And for that you can even be proud.

I know nobody wants to see this side of me,
They only want the sugar, spice and everything nice,
Honestly that is not how cold and mean I can be,
But it is only the beginning of this unheavenly slice.

If you want to give me the cold shoulder I will be fine,
For my name carries the coldness of snow,
I am the definition of my name that people will see over time,
It is not always sweet but cold and bitterness I will show.

If you think that will make me beg for your attention,
I am afraid you will have to wait a millennium,
I am not moved by your efforts of cute emoticons or empty questions,
Moments like that create only friction not momentum.

Dwindling were our days with conversation,
Our occasional nightly prayers do not cut it,
I am the type who needs constant growing connection,
Without it, it is dead I will admit.

Of recent you did try and gave me more,
But it was spurs and you would get comfortable,
I wished you would have done that months before,
Because right now, it I don't think this is mend-able.

You were good for me with all your stability,
As I am what I am with all my volatility,
That was enough for me initially,
But as time went by we never grew in any form of intimacy.

It is not about the lack of touch,
I was the one who pulled back, I know,
In other ways you lacked so much,
There were endless ways of closeness you could show.

There is a good thing about contentment,
But I am not one who settles for complacency,
I plan ahead and make commitments,
Whatever you do or don't do, at least have some decency.

All you did does matter and I appreciate,
I never asked for it or thought it was necessary,
Your comments mostly I just disagree as of late,
I have somehow become your thought mercenary.

You would say that I over think,
That I should take things more simple,
I will not apologise for that statement pushed me to the brink,
Because my thoughts have depth and are ample.

I am sorry I do not see you and I anymore,
I have refused to try and give,
I do not see what all this is for,
I cannot accept that this is the life I have to live.

I am in a dark place for an unknown duration,
You won't get me back, not now, not ever,
Fact is, this has already reached its expiration,
You have lost me because this isn't getting any better.

It takes everything in me and a great pain,
It is like a stake to my heart,
To say these things to you and hurt you again,
But honestly it is more painful to stay than to be apart.

- SY
Written at 0145H on 24th October 2015
At 61 Wong Clan

SY is a 'Jacqueline of all trades' who loves wearing plaids.

She doesn't believe in things that fade and fulfils the promises that she made.
She seeks the hearts of the troubled, to be a listener in times when things are doubled.
She's the kind who stands in the gap, who will only call it quits when it's a wrap.