Five To One

I read this thought catalog post about how in order to let go of something, you need to list down what you want to let go. I decided to incorporate that and the 5 stages of grieving to write this piece. 

Five, I want to stop waiting. I need to stop telling myself that one day you would come back. I want to stop thinking that all this is just a bad dream and all I have to do is wake up, and things would be back to the way they were.

I want to not associate 'home' with you. I don't want to think of you as my safe place anymore. I want to not associate anything with you.

Four, I want to be able to say that we gave it a try and it didn't work out. I want to get rid of this nagging feeling at the back of my head that says you didn't even try. I want to not blame you.

I want to not resent you. I want to let go of my anger towards you. I need to come to terms with the fact that we are not meant to be, and that’s ok.

Three, I want you to not be my biggest 'what if'. I want to stop thinking about what I could I could have done differently to convince you to stay. I have to stop replaying it in my head.

I want to not have that part of me that still somehow cares for you. The one that would still bargain with you, if that's what it came down to. I want to not be someone who would give everything up, if you'd say you'd stay.

Two, I want to stop believing that I am unlovable. I don’t want to be defined by the words you said. I have to stop believing that I am worthless.

I want to not feeling that tightening in my chest whenever I think about you or even hear your name. I want to be able to say your name like it never meant anything.

One, I want to be happy for you. I want to be able to honestly say that I am happy you found someone who completes you. I want to wish you the best because that’s what you deserve.

I want to let go of you. I want to accept the fact that you have moved on. I want to let go of that helpless person you walked away from. I want to be the girl I was before you.

 - JN
11.20am, 5/8/2016 (Friday)
Home, Kelana Jaya


JN is the one who doesn't take chances, but she's working on that. She's powering through life, one day at a time. Even with all that life throws her, you'll always see her with a smile. She's a hopeless romantic, hopeless beyond repair. You may say she's a dreamer, but she's got her feet on the ground.

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