From SY: To That Person You Want To Tell Everything To, But Too Afraid To

This is probably a letter to myself, afraid of letting myself feel so much again, afraid to admit the thoughts I can have and let my soul be alive again. There are things better left unspoken, if not better just get them written.

I want to say the many things in my head,
Of my thrilling thoughts and fluttering imaginings,
But to tell you the truth I'm quite afraid,
It's more about what I can or cannot say,

Some words not meant to be spoken but dying to leave these lips,
Maybe I will try in this letter today.

I do remember the last I felt this way,
When my heart would ache at the absence of your presence,

I remember the excitement that would last through the day,
To justify the way I feel is not fair,
Because of so many reasons and circumstances,
But I indulge in it anyway without a care.

I wish this could be taken lightly like a dare,
You say it, we do it, its over, cest la vie,
It quite exceeds the amount that I can bear,
The way my heart accelerates,

Where fibrillations so severe with undistinguished heartbeats,
The way my hands tremble because I can't tolerate.

This back and forth of thoughts and debate,
In between you and me and the thoughts in my head,

All the conversations we have until late,
The way our thoughts fully align,
Regardless the matters of discussions,
Like constellations of the universe full of signs.

You know I am not alright when I say I'm just fine,
The way you easily read my tones and motions,
Especially with that sugar push or twirl with fingers entwined,
The subtleties of your tone when you speak,

Melts like butter over a warm piece of fresh toast,
About all the random things that happen during the week.

You put it so simply, my secrets I will leak,
That is how easily you access my vulnerability,

You caught me giving you that smile so meek,
I wish this was the company I could keep,
Your thoughts not the most conventional but made sense in every way,
We could write stories that could make the world weep.

You make me want to take a leap,
To test the limits, close my eyes and reach for the edge,
Look into the seeds I would sow and what I would reap,
Today's tomorrows hold so many possibilities,

The world is my oyster with endless strings of pearls,
Like X-Men and their alternate realities.

I would shrug at my worries,
With a sigh, with a pout,

You would turn it around with witty queries,
In one sitting repeatedly we laughed out loud,
Smirks, chuckles, giggles and sheepish smiles,
About little kids that would make us so proud.

My heart kept sinking as I kept thinking,
Relating to the things that hold me back,
Staring into the view outside I kept blinking,
My thoughts were like rapid fire,

Uncontrolled, uncontrived, undiscovered,
Like how you got shot in paintball and got wired.

You know very well what I want when I say I cannot,
From the look in my eyes, and the pressure of my fingertips,

You know the fancies that would cross my thoughts,
Of what should be, could be and all the maybes,
You knew the start of this chapter, the in betweens,
And the consequences of succumbing to those pleas.

What you want and need will never collide,
Either way there are boundaries to decide,
You were never mine neither am I yours,
But you will be there and it will never end fair.

-SY

Written at 18:24H on 10th October 2015

At 61 Wong Clan

SY is a 'Jacqueline of all trades' who loves wearing plaids.

She doesn't believe in things that fade and fulfils the promises that she made.
She seeks the hearts of the troubled, to be a listener in times when things are doubled.
She's the kind who stands in the gap, who will only call it quits when it's a wrap.