Today I Said Goodbye to You

Sometimes in relationships, you hit this weird in-between. This threshold between holding on and letting go. Nothing is particularly wrong, yet everything feels horrifying and fragile, like it's going to fall apart. You go through the motions, yet it feels inherently wrong. Sometimes, you never know when the Goodbye you say, is the last. 

Today I said goodbye to you.
It was like any other goodbye we have ever said,
Where you look me in the eye, and you softly graze my cheek,
Before you very lightly kiss me on the forehead,
And hold me tight.

Usually I say goodbye to you with a certain amount of certainty,
I know when I will see you next, and I know what you would be like.
I know you would grin that boyish grin the moment you lay eyes on me,
And envelope me in your arms and inhale the scent of my hair.

You’ll stroke my head gently as you ask me how my day was,
And look just above the tip of my head, at what – I’ll never know,
You’ll then plant a kiss on my forehead, and skip off to do whatever,
And I’ll sink into that familiarity of just being with you.

Today it’s different.
I don’t know when I will see you again (you said Friday, but who knows),
And I don’t know if you’ll look at me or kiss me the same when you do.
I don’t know if your arms will ever make me feel safe again,
And I don’t know if that love you have for me will be there.

Today the goodbye was heavy, and I carry it in my heart,
This overwhelming sadness of uncertainty with just a tinge of anger,
Anger at myself for loving you so much and letting you in so deep,
Only to have you question whether you want to be there.

I feel this helplessness pierce through me,
I know there is nothing I can do but wait,
I know it is nobody’s fault,
So I kiss you goodbye, smile, and close the gate.

Today I said Goodbye to you,
I said goodbye also to my heart that I let you keep,
I drive off with that crippling uncertainty,
And just hope that there’ll be another Hello again.

- SB
12.50pm, 6th September 2015 (Sun),
Sani Hotel



SB is a conflicted soul of sorts, who is mad enough to go chase after what she really loves as opposed to conform to society and her mother's idea of a successful person. She prays she makes it in life, because she will not be able to tolerate the nagging that would follow if she doesn't. Her inspiration comes from everything around her, as well as made up situations in her head. Good luck distinguishing between the two. 


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